Oh man where to start

Life's been cruel yet easygoing for the last few weeks. Ive lost touch with everything. I wish I could remember a time when I didn't know truth so that I could look back and appreciate the truth that I know now... but that's not gonna happen. I was never allowed to choose truth on my own. It's been ingrained in me since I've been a child.  Wow, if I could only appreciate truth for what it is.  Why does life hurt? Is it me? Am I too emotional? Why do people feel the need to make me feel inferior?...worthless?  This is why I need to appreciate truth. It's so bland to me right now... I can't hold my emotions back. Even the small things take me away and imprison me in theie cold lifeless grip.  Too run away and find shelter seems the only logical answer but the only catch is... I know no shelter.  I'm running away from my only shelter. Truth. But it just doesn't feel like home anymore. Life is tough, it hurts.  People tell me to suck it up and that life isn't always fair. Well why can't it be? Why do I have to fight to keep my sanity and struggle to feel loved.  I need something real... beyond truth because truth isn't real to me... or so it seems. I keep saying I'll find a way out of these doldrums but it hasn't happened yet. I see the light as if I'm riding a roller coaster and then it just drops me.  I'm not happy by any means. People tell me to put it in God's hands but I don't know how to do that. I use too. Where have those times gone. Where have the teachings and sermons gone,... the awesome and powerful times of worship... all fail me... because I cant get a grip on reality.  My reality is a place where love flow effortlessly.  I wish I could live there. Nothing but peace.  I need You to step in Papa... take the voices away and let me hear You