Life?

I don't know much about philosophy, and I sure don't know much about theology either.  It's amazing to look at where belief systems come from. Many of the polytheistic religions always seem to have a main "good" character or god in which morality is based off of and an inherently "bad" character.  They just can't seem to wrap their minds around one god controlling and overseeing the aspects of life in the physical and spiritual. Water gods, earth gods, fire gods,...etc.  It's amazing because all these things where set in motion by "one" being. There is no science only Yahweh. These many smaller gods represent the fundamentals of nature in which our Father set in motion years ago, and He still has his hands in the process. We don't serve an overseer, but rather a servant whose hands are actively engaged in our everyday lives.  Even in the depressed/complacent state I'm in, I can't help but sit back and wonder "why?" and "he actually cares about me?" I just can't fathom a being such as Him getting on His knees and doing the dirty work for us. If you think about it, that's exactly what He's doing.  Laying the groundwork for our every step.  I sit back in awe almost.  Certainly a puzzled set of thoughts that rambles through my mind.  But this is the God who's son Jesus is madly in love with us and cares for us so much that He is actively engaged in our lives... wow... and yet with these revelations and truths, I still fail.  I still give into temptation.  I sit and beg for forgiveness because I'm afraid that He's is gonna punish me in some way... I'm tired of this old world mindset. I'm tired of living this life in the spirit of laziness which consumes me.  I sit back and wonder when are things gonna get better... Things will get better when I get up and grab Jesus' hand. The groundwork and path is there, I just have to make the move... Its like this with anything in life.  Finding a job, losing weight( it's not a mental defect, people...come on! I eat because I'm sad...Well get up and do something that makes you happy rather than just eating!!!), school work( I'm a 4th year junior...), etc.  Just making better choices is all it is.  I need to do that and bad. I'm starting to think about my friends a lot.  I've got some good one's. They always encourage me.  Makes life so much more bearable.  I wish I could spend more time with them. But something always comes up.  Life gets in the way.  The times we've shared I'll never forget, even the bad one's. I wish I could express the loyalty I truly feel to all of you. I hope that I could at least receive some of that in return.  Forget reality and live in your own actuality... Live and love and be loved.  Love even the poor, love the sick, love the people that make you sick... man I need to work on these.  I need to work on my relationship with my creator and lover. Papa, Yahweh, Jesus... I stand in awe and still don't know how to connect with you. I gaze and wait for something to happen but it hasn't yet. Where are you in this world. I see your shadow and your footprint but I can't find You, the real You.  Is it me? My fault? Am I in the way? Your children see You in me but I never see You for who You really are.  I'm blind to your ways; please take the scales away.... I've never needed a touch more than I do now... please at least send an angel my way...    

The times have changed

I once sought an outlet for thoughts that I had in my head.  I never seemed to find one that I was quite comfortable with.  I've never been able to get close enough to anyone to let my guard completely down and expose my inner most feelings... Yet I still have friends that I'm extremely close to and enjoy living life right along side them but I cant seem to get close enough to them...something keeps pushing me away. No outlet for my emotion, my grief... I wouldn't want them to bear that...  So I find myself here... posting on a blog and whining like some emo kid that's sitting in a corner all alone pretending to cut himself.  The one thing those kids have on the norms of the living is an outlet, no matter how dark it is, they seem to take comfort in expression.  I guess what I have to say is my pride,... it keeps me away from my friends...my family.... and my faith.  I can't find the way out other than to completely lay aside "myself" and and let it all out. To be vulnerable is to be loved is what seems to ring in my head... I heard that on an Frozen Ocean album once. But to be vulnerable is to be hurt, to be layed open for everyone to take of you.  I guess I don't have much faith in the living anymore. Its hard to have faith in something that I can't see, but all I know is the Jesus loves me and that's what keeps me alive. I guess I have some faith...  I wish I had the faith to step out into His arms and just cry...openly for everyone to see. I want everyone to know that I've changed and that I'm not the same person as before, but it all comes back to my pride,...my curse... I talk to all my friends and they have that encouraging tone to their voice and it comforts me, makes me feel...alive. I wish I could lay myself aside and recieve what Jesus has for me. I pray that my eyes will be open and my ears to be open to what I need to do to deal with this.  Pride is a curse... It never fails to steal what little joy I have.  I hope whoever reads this will pray and continue to pray for me.  Jesus' rode to the grave wasn't easy so why should mine be.  We all struggle and we all fail... I take comfort in that too.  Because I know that there is a God in heaven that loves us through our failures and take our burdens and makes them light... I guess I'm gonna have to let Jesus love me through this.  It's getting cold outside now... means more time spent indoors which also means more time alone with God. I hope to take advantage of it. I guess I'm doing this for attention too... I like to know people want to pray for me, and notice me...and wanting to hang out with me... but life isn't about getting noticed but it's about letting Jesus shine thru you and around you. Changing the atmosphere and give life and hope to the poor, healing the sick, helping the one's in need. Death to Life seems to be Jesus' legacy. Jesus help me to bring the dead things to life. 
Hope
Love
Humility
Servanthood....
I want those to be my trademarks.