So...

Ha well there goes another year. Just a few weeks left and its gone. Makes you think about all the fun times that you had, all the friends that's come and gone, all the hardships, all the trials, and all the things that you wish that you had done. Man, when I think about this year i think about the fire and passion I once had.  I want it back. I want to pursue God like never before. I wish I had the discipline to keep the fire burning.  Yeah that would be nice. One thing I do have is a pure heart. That's one thing that no one can take from me. No matter what it is, I have the best intentions in mind. When I say something, I mean it. You can count on that. My motives are pure too. I absolutely mean everything I say. I have no hidden agendas. Everything I do is not for personal gain but for God's glory. If I can't do it with the right mindset then I won't do it at all. I thank God for ingraining this into me from birth. It's such a wonderful gift that I will never overlook.  I just thought i'd let whoever reads this know that you can trust me.  Well this definitely has been a year of blessings. New guitar stuff, new car, new everything... this stuff doesn't make me happy but it does ease the pain a little. I love my new car.  My dad just blessed me with it. It's so amazing. It's a Mach 1. So awesome. Ha I even found a piece of my childhood when I purchased a DS. Got Pokemon Platinum, been playing that. So awesome. And for Christmas I'm getting a xbox 360. So awesome. I figured my last blog entries have been very dark and sad, so I had to right about my blessings and what is going good in my life. I'm not materialistic but hey, if God is willing to give, I'm willing to receive it. I saw a guy on tv and people where calling him the secret santa, and what he would do was he would go and give out $100 bills with a card that said merry christmas to random people. Homeless people, sick people, and just about anyone.  That blessed me so much just watching the reactions of these people.  He gave some money to this homeless guy and he just started crying and gave the guy a huge hug... he couldn't stop crying. Why cant Christians be this way... that's the real Jesus.  I'm sure that guy had a family to buy for and feed but he gave thousands of dollars away to the needy.  Money isn't everything but you can't make it through life without it. Man, I wish I had money to give like that.  It was the most awesome thing I've ever seen.  It's Christmas time, it might snow Christmas morning. That's pretty awesome. Christmas brings a little happiness back.  Maybe this can jumpstart my spiritual growth since it's kinda been like a dead battery here lately

Oh man where to start

Life's been cruel yet easygoing for the last few weeks. Ive lost touch with everything. I wish I could remember a time when I didn't know truth so that I could look back and appreciate the truth that I know now... but that's not gonna happen. I was never allowed to choose truth on my own. It's been ingrained in me since I've been a child.  Wow, if I could only appreciate truth for what it is.  Why does life hurt? Is it me? Am I too emotional? Why do people feel the need to make me feel inferior?...worthless?  This is why I need to appreciate truth. It's so bland to me right now... I can't hold my emotions back. Even the small things take me away and imprison me in theie cold lifeless grip.  Too run away and find shelter seems the only logical answer but the only catch is... I know no shelter.  I'm running away from my only shelter. Truth. But it just doesn't feel like home anymore. Life is tough, it hurts.  People tell me to suck it up and that life isn't always fair. Well why can't it be? Why do I have to fight to keep my sanity and struggle to feel loved.  I need something real... beyond truth because truth isn't real to me... or so it seems. I keep saying I'll find a way out of these doldrums but it hasn't happened yet. I see the light as if I'm riding a roller coaster and then it just drops me.  I'm not happy by any means. People tell me to put it in God's hands but I don't know how to do that. I use too. Where have those times gone. Where have the teachings and sermons gone,... the awesome and powerful times of worship... all fail me... because I cant get a grip on reality.  My reality is a place where love flow effortlessly.  I wish I could live there. Nothing but peace.  I need You to step in Papa... take the voices away and let me hear You