Life?

I don't know much about philosophy, and I sure don't know much about theology either.  It's amazing to look at where belief systems come from. Many of the polytheistic religions always seem to have a main "good" character or god in which morality is based off of and an inherently "bad" character.  They just can't seem to wrap their minds around one god controlling and overseeing the aspects of life in the physical and spiritual. Water gods, earth gods, fire gods,...etc.  It's amazing because all these things where set in motion by "one" being. There is no science only Yahweh. These many smaller gods represent the fundamentals of nature in which our Father set in motion years ago, and He still has his hands in the process. We don't serve an overseer, but rather a servant whose hands are actively engaged in our everyday lives.  Even in the depressed/complacent state I'm in, I can't help but sit back and wonder "why?" and "he actually cares about me?" I just can't fathom a being such as Him getting on His knees and doing the dirty work for us. If you think about it, that's exactly what He's doing.  Laying the groundwork for our every step.  I sit back in awe almost.  Certainly a puzzled set of thoughts that rambles through my mind.  But this is the God who's son Jesus is madly in love with us and cares for us so much that He is actively engaged in our lives... wow... and yet with these revelations and truths, I still fail.  I still give into temptation.  I sit and beg for forgiveness because I'm afraid that He's is gonna punish me in some way... I'm tired of this old world mindset. I'm tired of living this life in the spirit of laziness which consumes me.  I sit back and wonder when are things gonna get better... Things will get better when I get up and grab Jesus' hand. The groundwork and path is there, I just have to make the move... Its like this with anything in life.  Finding a job, losing weight( it's not a mental defect, people...come on! I eat because I'm sad...Well get up and do something that makes you happy rather than just eating!!!), school work( I'm a 4th year junior...), etc.  Just making better choices is all it is.  I need to do that and bad. I'm starting to think about my friends a lot.  I've got some good one's. They always encourage me.  Makes life so much more bearable.  I wish I could spend more time with them. But something always comes up.  Life gets in the way.  The times we've shared I'll never forget, even the bad one's. I wish I could express the loyalty I truly feel to all of you. I hope that I could at least receive some of that in return.  Forget reality and live in your own actuality... Live and love and be loved.  Love even the poor, love the sick, love the people that make you sick... man I need to work on these.  I need to work on my relationship with my creator and lover. Papa, Yahweh, Jesus... I stand in awe and still don't know how to connect with you. I gaze and wait for something to happen but it hasn't yet. Where are you in this world. I see your shadow and your footprint but I can't find You, the real You.  Is it me? My fault? Am I in the way? Your children see You in me but I never see You for who You really are.  I'm blind to your ways; please take the scales away.... I've never needed a touch more than I do now... please at least send an angel my way...