I once sought an outlet for thoughts that I had in my head. I never seemed to find one that I was quite comfortable with. I've never been able to get close enough to anyone to let my guard completely down and expose my inner most feelings... Yet I still have friends that I'm extremely close to and enjoy living life right along side them but I cant seem to get close enough to them...something keeps pushing me away. No outlet for my emotion, my grief... I wouldn't want them to bear that... So I find myself here... posting on a blog and whining like some emo kid that's sitting in a corner all alone pretending to cut himself. The one thing those kids have on the norms of the living is an outlet, no matter how dark it is, they seem to take comfort in expression. I guess what I have to say is my pride,... it keeps me away from my friends...my family.... and my faith. I can't find the way out other than to completely lay aside "myself" and and let it all out. To be vulnerable is to be loved is what seems to ring in my head... I heard that on an Frozen Ocean album once. But to be vulnerable is to be hurt, to be layed open for everyone to take of you. I guess I don't have much faith in the living anymore. Its hard to have faith in something that I can't see, but all I know is the Jesus loves me and that's what keeps me alive. I guess I have some faith... I wish I had the faith to step out into His arms and just cry...openly for everyone to see. I want everyone to know that I've changed and that I'm not the same person as before, but it all comes back to my pride,...my curse... I talk to all my friends and they have that encouraging tone to their voice and it comforts me, makes me feel...alive. I wish I could lay myself aside and recieve what Jesus has for me. I pray that my eyes will be open and my ears to be open to what I need to do to deal with this. Pride is a curse... It never fails to steal what little joy I have. I hope whoever reads this will pray and continue to pray for me. Jesus' rode to the grave wasn't easy so why should mine be. We all struggle and we all fail... I take comfort in that too. Because I know that there is a God in heaven that loves us through our failures and take our burdens and makes them light... I guess I'm gonna have to let Jesus love me through this. It's getting cold outside now... means more time spent indoors which also means more time alone with God. I hope to take advantage of it. I guess I'm doing this for attention too... I like to know people want to pray for me, and notice me...and wanting to hang out with me... but life isn't about getting noticed but it's about letting Jesus shine thru you and around you. Changing the atmosphere and give life and hope to the poor, healing the sick, helping the one's in need. Death to Life seems to be Jesus' legacy. Jesus help me to bring the dead things to life.
Hope
Love
Humility
Servanthood....
I want those to be my trademarks.
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