Summer

Ah man, I thought I'd spend this summer having fun instead working all the time.  I thought me and my friends would chill, and we have, but it seems like everyone has their own life and agenda to tend to.  This needs to change.  Summer is suppose to be about fun, not work and all that bull.  Summer is half gone and all the talk that led up to the summer has just blown away.  Here is sit blogging away.  Cliff jumping, Longboarding, Climbing, Swimming,  and just plain chillin needs to happen soon. I've only been to the cliffs once this summer... In the past we would be there all the time.  The cliffs are where the men are born.  One jump off of whipporwill and your balls finally drop.  It needs to happen.  Some of my friends haven't experienced the pure joy of jumping off that cliff.  It's worth it.  The second half of summer will be better...at least i hope

Time

Hopes and Dreams are what this life is made of.  I hope one day to be free of worries.  I want to live free and content, but life doesn't seem to be shaping up to be that way.  I feel that I'm always going to be struggling, and never content in life itself.  I have probably 3 more semesters to go in college.  Right out of the gate I'm gonna be in debt.  Not to mention, I don't know how I'm gonna find a job in my career.  It looks pretty bleak right now.  My life so far has been bland.  I found Jesus 21 years into my life, but I feel like I've left Him behind.  I found a job.  I thought that would make me happy, but all that its done is stress me out even more.  I can't help but think... Have I made the right decisions so far?  I don't know.  I'm gonna be missing church a lot because of work.  I don't know how I feel about that.  It feels wrong.  Not in a legalistic way, but in a heart way.  I feel like my spirit has dropped.  But... a lot of other factors could have contributed to that.  To be honest, I don't know how to feel anymore.  What is right? What should I be doing?  Where should I go?  I can't get a straight answer out of God.  I'm lost.  The world screws me over every day.  Why the hell do I have to be so complicated.  I want to wake up to a bright light sweeping over me,  the feeling of a cool breeze across my face , and the smell of an early morning just as the dew begins to evaporate back into the air.  I haven't felt that way in a long time.  Like everything is gonna be okay.  I keep listening to these theologies and doctrines that tell me I have to do something a certain way.  Screw that.   I want to be free of that.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm being judged, because I don't fit into the mold of an everday Christian.  I work on such a deeper level than that.  I haven't talked to my friends about how I feel much.  It's like I have a mental block when they're around.  This is the first time since February that I've been able to share how I feel.  Love failed me, Faith failed me, but i'm still holding on to Hope.  Maybe one day I can get it right. 

tough

This year has been rough. A battle everyday it seems like.  Struggling to stay the course.  I wish I had peace and joy; they seem so far away, almost like a light at the end of a tunnel.  A tunnel so dark you can't see the light at the end but you just have faith that it is.  That's how my walk with Jesus has been. I'm not gonna put on a show and pretend like I'm happy just to make it through the day.  That's bull, and people shouldn't live like that. It's not healthy. Neither is the way I live either, I guess. If you pretend to have something that you really don't have, thats just as bad as lying. The same entity in different forms. Lying is sin.  Pretending to have joy when you really don't is sin. That's the way I choose to live. I'll suffer through it. It's not as bad as what Paul went through.  There is a light, and I'll keep walking until I find it. I just hope it's soon

Alone

The past few weeks have been rough. I found out that nothing that I do makes me happy. I only find happiness in the time I'm alone. Not even spending time with my friends helps. They've helped me tremendously. Praying and stuff for me. Thanks whoever you are.  I've realized that the world is cruel and there's nothing I can do about it. Humans do not have the capacity for good.  The only good in this world is Jesus.  I wish I knew Him.  Our ambitions in life are like a plague to the morality of others hearts. We alone are only capable of sustaining ourselves. The only way for us to cure this sickness is to die. When we allow our own ambitions rise up, we are choking the life out of everyone else.  We need to die to ourselves. Jesus is the only cure.  I wish I knew someone like that.  Everyone I know has their own motives, including myself.  I'm looking for a pure heart. I'm searching for that ray of light named Jesus to show. But I won't find it in people anymore.  I've been going about it all wrong.  Sure, I see Jesus in people but He is quickly put out when their comfort zone gets checked. The only way I will find Him is if I seek Him. I love You, I need You, Please help... Faith in people is vanity. Faith in Jesus is life.  I've grown so offended at the church.  I hate corporate religiousness.  It's terrible.  We've taken Jesus out of the streets and locked Him inside a building.  We've somehow managed to place Him in a box and reserve His goodness, grace, and love for the suit and tie wearing bigot that plagues our society.  I'm sorry if I'm offending you. Please realize this is not an attack, it's just my heart. I myself have been so blind and passive to let this get to me.  I can't change corporate church, but I can change myself. I can make a difference.  People need Jesus love. They're not going to set foot into a church building anymore.  The days of bringing your friend to church or a revival is over.  So many people are like me. Church hurt and offended. They won't come to a church. Stop inviting them to church and take Jesus out of the box. We carry power and love through the Holy Spirit. It's time to take Jesus to them.  It's our fault so many young people hate church. We're all to blame. Die and redeem yourself.  Jesus is waiting for us to move. Hearts have been prepared for the harvest. It's our turn. I want to love the church again. I want to feel apart of a family again.  I hate my church.  But that's my problem and no one else's.  I need faith in God's people again; it probably won't happen. Prove me wrong church

Mmmmm...

Well the semester is well under way.  Feeling pretty good about it. Feeling good about life in general.  I just recently made some purchases that will either help me or break me.  I bought a vox ac15, need it. And I bought a nice telescope to cure my cravings for astronomy, which is something I love but technically didn't have to have. Oh well. It will be nice to start on another hobby. All I do is music and xbox.  I mean, I do need some advice tho. Are hobbies healthy? not really in a spiritual sense, because I can use this to better appreciate God's creation. It's something I really enjoy and it takes my mind off of life.  When I gaze into the night sky I feel like Jesus is sitting right next to me in awe of it too.  Just sitting beneath a vast ocean of stars... I like where this is going. So it wasn't a bad decision after all. Yeah I like the scientific aspects of it too.  I do a good bit of learning and enjoy it through this kind of stuff.  Keep my mind sharp.  Well that amp I just got will be here Friday hopefully.  Oh man, it sounds amazing. Perfect compliment to my guitar and pedals. I love to worship.  Tonight I sat in on my friend Jordan's set tonight at the ark.  Yeah... it was good.  His presence was awesome and heavy.  It made me want to lie down and sleep.  I didn't think about anything but how thick it was in there.  I just wanted to sleep.  I went into a Jesus coma lol.  It was good.  Just resting in His presence. Nuthing like it. Props to my boy and Mandy. They were awesome.  I wish I could have stayed longer.  Had to go see the Philharmonic of Poland at Norton. Pretty good.  Their woodwind and brass sections sucked.  The strings were flawless.  Oh yeah,  I'll the other sections slide cuz of how good the strings where.  Good finale with Beethoven's 5th symphony.  I'm tired it's late

My heart

So school started today... again we walk through the same halls and see the faces, some old, some new.  Back to the grind some people would refer to it.  To me it was refreshing that school started in the cold, and in the snow... the ice. It's like when I think of Norway or Sweden it's always cold, and there's snow... the ice.  Beautiful places near the arctic, near the oceans and seas.  You look at the jagged coastline of Norway and see old houses and sea-ports.  It's makes me happy to think about these places. They're are simple fishing villages, simple village folk. Nothing to care about but to enjoy life.  To me, snow represents purity.  The soft blue that emits from the snow reflecting the sky is beautiful. A fresh start. That's when I realized to stop worrying... about my future, my joblessness, my school-work, my life in general.  When Jesus called me into the ministry, He didn't hand me a book and wish me good luck.  I've been worrying and "striving" to get where I think I'm supposed to go.  It finally sunk in today.  For the last few months I've quit seeking... gotten bored with my walk. I've always loved Jesus and always will. It's just that it wasn't fresh. I wasn't okay with who I was... and now I am.  I'm gonna let Him take me to those places I'm supposed to go.  I'm gonna start seeking and let Him put things where they're supposed to go in my life.  He guides our steps.  I'm gonna start thinking that literally.  Every place I go and every opportunity I get is not gonna be because I've gone out and found it, but it's gonna be because He put it there.  He really does guide our steps as long as we spend time with Him.  I'm called to play guitar and record music.  I'm not gonna seek after jobs and strive to find my place in this world.  I'm gonna let Him put everything in place.  Who needs a plan to fall back on when Jesus already has your path planned out for you? I'm comin out of the storm.  A fresh start to this year.  I'm okay with who I am now.  I don't go crazy and get the shakes during worship. I dont have to jump around and dance to worship my God.  I don't have to talk all proper when I pray.  I can tell Jesus how I really feel because He won't judge me. Even if i'm so mad and frustrated.  I can wear my heart on my sleeve if I want to, because He already knows how we feel.  And He will love us through our problems.  I'm human, I was created human, I will remain human until He returns.  So, I'm gonna mess up, get frustrated, doubt, and do all those other things because of that. He just wants us to acknowledge that He is God, and He wants us to let Him love us and for us to love Him.  That's it.  It's so simple but we lose focus.  I do all the time.  Tomorrow I'm gonna probably wake up and feel horrible.  That's how satan likes to attack me.  I wake up and feel worthless and unworthy.  So what,  I'm still loved and I have heaven to look forward too.  Let Him guide your steps and feel free to cry on his shoulder.  He'll listen even if your are not.  It's so good to know.  This semester is gonna be easy.  I was really stressin today because of this one class.  But now I know its gonna work out.  Jesus is gonna help me with it.  For so long I thought I was supposed to go all crazy and dance around during worship.  I'm so over that.  If that's your thing... go for it.  For me I would rather sit and meditate, or lie down and soak.   I'm sitting or laying down at his feet. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but the greatest praise you could give God is to sit down and acknowledge that He is God.  He says it in Psalms "be still, and know that I am God."    Mary sat at Jesus feet.  Oh man, she is the epitomy of what the bride of Christ should look like.  A sinner but a servant.  Eager to hear to voice of Jesus.  Soaking in His prescence.  She wasn't perfect and neither are we.  We're the same as the hooker that sat at Jesus feet.  What does that say?  We're no better than the meth head in projects a few blocks from our houses.  The hooker at the street corner in that bad part of town.  That homeless guy that was always trying to sell you something so that he could get his fix on drugs or food.   That weird kid that comes to whatever on that certain night of the month at our church. We're no better than the least of these.  That's where He's gonna lead us I think.  Sorry to rant but I'm am just pouring out my heart, and breathing a sigh of relief because Papa has us covered.  He listens to us, whether we cuss Him out or cry.  He doesn't judge, He loves.  And I'm not perfect but thats okay with Jesus.  He never really associated with "Perfect" people

Snow?

Yes... it snows in the south. 3-5 inches are predicted for tonight. Normally we just get a very light dusting if that. So i'm bored and decided to blog. I hope church is cancelled tonight. Not because I hate God but because I don't want to drive. I'm tired of driving everywhere. I live 30 min away from everthing. I hate living in the middle of nowhere. I want to move into Florence. Closer to school, friends, and fun.  The new year brings new purchases so.... Vox ac15 will be purchased next week, and I have to put money into my car. New pads and rotors gotta be put on. Thats a crap ton of money too.... My fast ends Wed and I'm headed straight for the closest burger joint to get some meat lol.  This fast has been nice.  It shocks your routine up so much that youre much more focused.  Ive definitely noticed a change, espescially in worship. It's like I can feel again.  So now i'm really looking forward to tuesday when I go to the ark and play with Rachel.  It's gonna be good. I wish I had a descent acoustic but the gretsch will do for now. It sounds okay but it's an electric. I'd rather have an acoustic for what we're doing. I beat halo reach today. I hated the ending... and that's what i'm about to go do, play on live.