Time

Hopes and Dreams are what this life is made of.  I hope one day to be free of worries.  I want to live free and content, but life doesn't seem to be shaping up to be that way.  I feel that I'm always going to be struggling, and never content in life itself.  I have probably 3 more semesters to go in college.  Right out of the gate I'm gonna be in debt.  Not to mention, I don't know how I'm gonna find a job in my career.  It looks pretty bleak right now.  My life so far has been bland.  I found Jesus 21 years into my life, but I feel like I've left Him behind.  I found a job.  I thought that would make me happy, but all that its done is stress me out even more.  I can't help but think... Have I made the right decisions so far?  I don't know.  I'm gonna be missing church a lot because of work.  I don't know how I feel about that.  It feels wrong.  Not in a legalistic way, but in a heart way.  I feel like my spirit has dropped.  But... a lot of other factors could have contributed to that.  To be honest, I don't know how to feel anymore.  What is right? What should I be doing?  Where should I go?  I can't get a straight answer out of God.  I'm lost.  The world screws me over every day.  Why the hell do I have to be so complicated.  I want to wake up to a bright light sweeping over me,  the feeling of a cool breeze across my face , and the smell of an early morning just as the dew begins to evaporate back into the air.  I haven't felt that way in a long time.  Like everything is gonna be okay.  I keep listening to these theologies and doctrines that tell me I have to do something a certain way.  Screw that.   I want to be free of that.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm being judged, because I don't fit into the mold of an everday Christian.  I work on such a deeper level than that.  I haven't talked to my friends about how I feel much.  It's like I have a mental block when they're around.  This is the first time since February that I've been able to share how I feel.  Love failed me, Faith failed me, but i'm still holding on to Hope.  Maybe one day I can get it right.