Hard

The hardest year of my life is coming to an end.  I hope when 2012 rolls around things will get better. I started to think of what all happened this year.  So much and too much to tell.  I went from being as close to God as I've ever been, to being too jaded to care.  Thats a hard place to come out of.  I went from going to church, to leaving that church and not going anywhere for about 6 months.  I was lonely in that time.  I felt like no one cared.  I went from having a really close friend, to barely knowing the guy now. I wish I knew what happened there. Hurts and pisses me off to no end when I think about it.  Tough pills to swallow.  The one good thing that happened tho was getting close to 3 of the best friends I know.  Flesh and blood.  I found a church I really care about.  The Pastors are awesome.  I can think of better leadership to be under.  A true spirtual Father and Mother that I care deeply about.  No church is perfect, and I don't expect them to be.  So hopefully I can start fresh in 2012.  2011 sucked hard.  I have a few goals i'd like to achieve this coming year.

1. Start leading worship(yes, i will be singing)

2. Move out with my friends

3. Finish school(at least most of it)

4. Write/Release an Electro House/Dubstep album

5. Complete my studio(I'm pretty close)

6. Go snowboarding

7. Lose 50+ lbs

8. Record lots of bands and get paid for it(at least enough to pay rent)

9. Find a girlfriend whose doesn't care that i'm poor

10. Find Bigfoot

11. Fish a lot

12. Go climbing more

13. Buy a kayak

14. Use my camera to take cool pictures more

15. Make funny videos with my friends.

16. Find a better style of clothing for me

17. Jump off Whipporwill

18. Teach a message at church or wherever

19. Enjoy life

20. Take the boat out more than one time.

Yeah lots of things to do.  I think this year is my year of restoration

Seasons

Its that time when a decision has to be made.  Life is a funny thing, and it's always there changing in ways that we will never understand. The last year has been the hardest year I've ever had, but somehow it was the best. Last summer I felt alive and living, but now I feel jaded and old. Somehow though, I think it has been for the better.  I can feel a change coming. Breakthrough I think. Not just in my life but everyone's.  A runaway returning home.  I needed this journey. It let me see the world through all perspectives.  It help learn what I truly want in life.  It's my job to live my life to the fullest and never look back.  I've lived the hard way, and now I'm ready to let God guide me through.  People will get offended, but it's not because of something I've done but because of something they're not doing.  The church will be the church and I will be me, the person God intended me to be.  I've stayed so jaded towards the church that it's made me lose my focus.  I had the purest of intentions, and my motives were flawless and justified.  It's just not my place in the world.  We are here to inspire love. I walk my own path with only God being my authority. No man can lead me the way He does. My journey is coming to an end, and it's going to be a beautiful place from what I can see.  A place where I become a father.  Our generation will change the world.  Sons returning to the Father and us ultimately becoming fathers.  Something the church has been lacking. True leadership, Beacons that point to the light.  Holiness is where my heart is at. I intend to re-take my vows to the Lord and become that leader.  I thought I could live my life as a normal person, but I was called to higher standard. And we all are.  I'm still on my journey but soon a change will come. I know what I must do now.  I'll need all the prayer I can get.  And it doesn't hurt to have people by my side either.  God's changing a generation, and we're called to point them towards the light.

Summer

Ah man, I thought I'd spend this summer having fun instead working all the time.  I thought me and my friends would chill, and we have, but it seems like everyone has their own life and agenda to tend to.  This needs to change.  Summer is suppose to be about fun, not work and all that bull.  Summer is half gone and all the talk that led up to the summer has just blown away.  Here is sit blogging away.  Cliff jumping, Longboarding, Climbing, Swimming,  and just plain chillin needs to happen soon. I've only been to the cliffs once this summer... In the past we would be there all the time.  The cliffs are where the men are born.  One jump off of whipporwill and your balls finally drop.  It needs to happen.  Some of my friends haven't experienced the pure joy of jumping off that cliff.  It's worth it.  The second half of summer will be better...at least i hope

Time

Hopes and Dreams are what this life is made of.  I hope one day to be free of worries.  I want to live free and content, but life doesn't seem to be shaping up to be that way.  I feel that I'm always going to be struggling, and never content in life itself.  I have probably 3 more semesters to go in college.  Right out of the gate I'm gonna be in debt.  Not to mention, I don't know how I'm gonna find a job in my career.  It looks pretty bleak right now.  My life so far has been bland.  I found Jesus 21 years into my life, but I feel like I've left Him behind.  I found a job.  I thought that would make me happy, but all that its done is stress me out even more.  I can't help but think... Have I made the right decisions so far?  I don't know.  I'm gonna be missing church a lot because of work.  I don't know how I feel about that.  It feels wrong.  Not in a legalistic way, but in a heart way.  I feel like my spirit has dropped.  But... a lot of other factors could have contributed to that.  To be honest, I don't know how to feel anymore.  What is right? What should I be doing?  Where should I go?  I can't get a straight answer out of God.  I'm lost.  The world screws me over every day.  Why the hell do I have to be so complicated.  I want to wake up to a bright light sweeping over me,  the feeling of a cool breeze across my face , and the smell of an early morning just as the dew begins to evaporate back into the air.  I haven't felt that way in a long time.  Like everything is gonna be okay.  I keep listening to these theologies and doctrines that tell me I have to do something a certain way.  Screw that.   I want to be free of that.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm being judged, because I don't fit into the mold of an everday Christian.  I work on such a deeper level than that.  I haven't talked to my friends about how I feel much.  It's like I have a mental block when they're around.  This is the first time since February that I've been able to share how I feel.  Love failed me, Faith failed me, but i'm still holding on to Hope.  Maybe one day I can get it right. 

tough

This year has been rough. A battle everyday it seems like.  Struggling to stay the course.  I wish I had peace and joy; they seem so far away, almost like a light at the end of a tunnel.  A tunnel so dark you can't see the light at the end but you just have faith that it is.  That's how my walk with Jesus has been. I'm not gonna put on a show and pretend like I'm happy just to make it through the day.  That's bull, and people shouldn't live like that. It's not healthy. Neither is the way I live either, I guess. If you pretend to have something that you really don't have, thats just as bad as lying. The same entity in different forms. Lying is sin.  Pretending to have joy when you really don't is sin. That's the way I choose to live. I'll suffer through it. It's not as bad as what Paul went through.  There is a light, and I'll keep walking until I find it. I just hope it's soon

Alone

The past few weeks have been rough. I found out that nothing that I do makes me happy. I only find happiness in the time I'm alone. Not even spending time with my friends helps. They've helped me tremendously. Praying and stuff for me. Thanks whoever you are.  I've realized that the world is cruel and there's nothing I can do about it. Humans do not have the capacity for good.  The only good in this world is Jesus.  I wish I knew Him.  Our ambitions in life are like a plague to the morality of others hearts. We alone are only capable of sustaining ourselves. The only way for us to cure this sickness is to die. When we allow our own ambitions rise up, we are choking the life out of everyone else.  We need to die to ourselves. Jesus is the only cure.  I wish I knew someone like that.  Everyone I know has their own motives, including myself.  I'm looking for a pure heart. I'm searching for that ray of light named Jesus to show. But I won't find it in people anymore.  I've been going about it all wrong.  Sure, I see Jesus in people but He is quickly put out when their comfort zone gets checked. The only way I will find Him is if I seek Him. I love You, I need You, Please help... Faith in people is vanity. Faith in Jesus is life.  I've grown so offended at the church.  I hate corporate religiousness.  It's terrible.  We've taken Jesus out of the streets and locked Him inside a building.  We've somehow managed to place Him in a box and reserve His goodness, grace, and love for the suit and tie wearing bigot that plagues our society.  I'm sorry if I'm offending you. Please realize this is not an attack, it's just my heart. I myself have been so blind and passive to let this get to me.  I can't change corporate church, but I can change myself. I can make a difference.  People need Jesus love. They're not going to set foot into a church building anymore.  The days of bringing your friend to church or a revival is over.  So many people are like me. Church hurt and offended. They won't come to a church. Stop inviting them to church and take Jesus out of the box. We carry power and love through the Holy Spirit. It's time to take Jesus to them.  It's our fault so many young people hate church. We're all to blame. Die and redeem yourself.  Jesus is waiting for us to move. Hearts have been prepared for the harvest. It's our turn. I want to love the church again. I want to feel apart of a family again.  I hate my church.  But that's my problem and no one else's.  I need faith in God's people again; it probably won't happen. Prove me wrong church

Mmmmm...

Well the semester is well under way.  Feeling pretty good about it. Feeling good about life in general.  I just recently made some purchases that will either help me or break me.  I bought a vox ac15, need it. And I bought a nice telescope to cure my cravings for astronomy, which is something I love but technically didn't have to have. Oh well. It will be nice to start on another hobby. All I do is music and xbox.  I mean, I do need some advice tho. Are hobbies healthy? not really in a spiritual sense, because I can use this to better appreciate God's creation. It's something I really enjoy and it takes my mind off of life.  When I gaze into the night sky I feel like Jesus is sitting right next to me in awe of it too.  Just sitting beneath a vast ocean of stars... I like where this is going. So it wasn't a bad decision after all. Yeah I like the scientific aspects of it too.  I do a good bit of learning and enjoy it through this kind of stuff.  Keep my mind sharp.  Well that amp I just got will be here Friday hopefully.  Oh man, it sounds amazing. Perfect compliment to my guitar and pedals. I love to worship.  Tonight I sat in on my friend Jordan's set tonight at the ark.  Yeah... it was good.  His presence was awesome and heavy.  It made me want to lie down and sleep.  I didn't think about anything but how thick it was in there.  I just wanted to sleep.  I went into a Jesus coma lol.  It was good.  Just resting in His presence. Nuthing like it. Props to my boy and Mandy. They were awesome.  I wish I could have stayed longer.  Had to go see the Philharmonic of Poland at Norton. Pretty good.  Their woodwind and brass sections sucked.  The strings were flawless.  Oh yeah,  I'll the other sections slide cuz of how good the strings where.  Good finale with Beethoven's 5th symphony.  I'm tired it's late