My heart

So school started today... again we walk through the same halls and see the faces, some old, some new.  Back to the grind some people would refer to it.  To me it was refreshing that school started in the cold, and in the snow... the ice. It's like when I think of Norway or Sweden it's always cold, and there's snow... the ice.  Beautiful places near the arctic, near the oceans and seas.  You look at the jagged coastline of Norway and see old houses and sea-ports.  It's makes me happy to think about these places. They're are simple fishing villages, simple village folk. Nothing to care about but to enjoy life.  To me, snow represents purity.  The soft blue that emits from the snow reflecting the sky is beautiful. A fresh start. That's when I realized to stop worrying... about my future, my joblessness, my school-work, my life in general.  When Jesus called me into the ministry, He didn't hand me a book and wish me good luck.  I've been worrying and "striving" to get where I think I'm supposed to go.  It finally sunk in today.  For the last few months I've quit seeking... gotten bored with my walk. I've always loved Jesus and always will. It's just that it wasn't fresh. I wasn't okay with who I was... and now I am.  I'm gonna let Him take me to those places I'm supposed to go.  I'm gonna start seeking and let Him put things where they're supposed to go in my life.  He guides our steps.  I'm gonna start thinking that literally.  Every place I go and every opportunity I get is not gonna be because I've gone out and found it, but it's gonna be because He put it there.  He really does guide our steps as long as we spend time with Him.  I'm called to play guitar and record music.  I'm not gonna seek after jobs and strive to find my place in this world.  I'm gonna let Him put everything in place.  Who needs a plan to fall back on when Jesus already has your path planned out for you? I'm comin out of the storm.  A fresh start to this year.  I'm okay with who I am now.  I don't go crazy and get the shakes during worship. I dont have to jump around and dance to worship my God.  I don't have to talk all proper when I pray.  I can tell Jesus how I really feel because He won't judge me. Even if i'm so mad and frustrated.  I can wear my heart on my sleeve if I want to, because He already knows how we feel.  And He will love us through our problems.  I'm human, I was created human, I will remain human until He returns.  So, I'm gonna mess up, get frustrated, doubt, and do all those other things because of that. He just wants us to acknowledge that He is God, and He wants us to let Him love us and for us to love Him.  That's it.  It's so simple but we lose focus.  I do all the time.  Tomorrow I'm gonna probably wake up and feel horrible.  That's how satan likes to attack me.  I wake up and feel worthless and unworthy.  So what,  I'm still loved and I have heaven to look forward too.  Let Him guide your steps and feel free to cry on his shoulder.  He'll listen even if your are not.  It's so good to know.  This semester is gonna be easy.  I was really stressin today because of this one class.  But now I know its gonna work out.  Jesus is gonna help me with it.  For so long I thought I was supposed to go all crazy and dance around during worship.  I'm so over that.  If that's your thing... go for it.  For me I would rather sit and meditate, or lie down and soak.   I'm sitting or laying down at his feet. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but the greatest praise you could give God is to sit down and acknowledge that He is God.  He says it in Psalms "be still, and know that I am God."    Mary sat at Jesus feet.  Oh man, she is the epitomy of what the bride of Christ should look like.  A sinner but a servant.  Eager to hear to voice of Jesus.  Soaking in His prescence.  She wasn't perfect and neither are we.  We're the same as the hooker that sat at Jesus feet.  What does that say?  We're no better than the meth head in projects a few blocks from our houses.  The hooker at the street corner in that bad part of town.  That homeless guy that was always trying to sell you something so that he could get his fix on drugs or food.   That weird kid that comes to whatever on that certain night of the month at our church. We're no better than the least of these.  That's where He's gonna lead us I think.  Sorry to rant but I'm am just pouring out my heart, and breathing a sigh of relief because Papa has us covered.  He listens to us, whether we cuss Him out or cry.  He doesn't judge, He loves.  And I'm not perfect but thats okay with Jesus.  He never really associated with "Perfect" people

Snow?

Yes... it snows in the south. 3-5 inches are predicted for tonight. Normally we just get a very light dusting if that. So i'm bored and decided to blog. I hope church is cancelled tonight. Not because I hate God but because I don't want to drive. I'm tired of driving everywhere. I live 30 min away from everthing. I hate living in the middle of nowhere. I want to move into Florence. Closer to school, friends, and fun.  The new year brings new purchases so.... Vox ac15 will be purchased next week, and I have to put money into my car. New pads and rotors gotta be put on. Thats a crap ton of money too.... My fast ends Wed and I'm headed straight for the closest burger joint to get some meat lol.  This fast has been nice.  It shocks your routine up so much that youre much more focused.  Ive definitely noticed a change, espescially in worship. It's like I can feel again.  So now i'm really looking forward to tuesday when I go to the ark and play with Rachel.  It's gonna be good. I wish I had a descent acoustic but the gretsch will do for now. It sounds okay but it's an electric. I'd rather have an acoustic for what we're doing. I beat halo reach today. I hated the ending... and that's what i'm about to go do, play on live.

The new year

Many have said this is the year... a year where sadness will be turned to joy, death will be overcome by life, glory will come down from the heavens, and victory will come to those who have waited.  Those things are what it's about. I was kinda stand-off-ish at first about declared these things about this year.  I don't know what's in store for me.  Ive been on a plateau for so long... I don't know what its gonna feel like to start climbing again, fighting for every breath, and overcoming my storms.  I've waited so long for victory in my life.  I waited so long for the profesies to begin to be fufilled.  It's happening, something new is starting.  2010 was preparation but 2011 is a year that we activate our faith, unite as one, reach out to the lost, to the sick, to the hurt, and show them love... a love that once consumed me. I want it all back, and I'm gonna take by force. That love compelled me to walk in holiness.  I took a nazarite vow in February, the time to renew our vows is coming. I will prophesy that this is the year that we truly crucify ourselves and make history.  I declare that we will walk with the promised annoiting of the holy spirit and truly change our campuses, our cities, our homeland. We will not back down, we will take it by storm with Jesus guiding our path. Many of the called are going to take the call and become the chosen.  We will ride out in victory this year.  A year that started with physical rain is just a simple taste of what is in store for this year. His prescense is pouring out this year unlike ever before. Rain from heaven will surround us with His prescense. It's so exciting to see what's in store. A fast begins all over the nation this month. Me personally, i'm doing a modified daniel fast but keeping the days to the same amout that daniel did. 10 days of only drinking water and no meat... I'm kind of excited because a neighboring church(the ark) is starting 24/7 prayer for the month of January. Oh man it's gonna be good. I also get to play with a friend at this prayer gathering. A couple of times a week I believe, 2 hr slots. Worship is fun to me... being the guitarist for a worship team is what I'm destined to do.  Breakthrough is going to happen in my home church, I just know it.  I'm getting so down and discouraged about it.  It's rough for me.  So that's a sure sign that breakthrough is coming for me and my church.  A good year is in store. 

So...

Ha well there goes another year. Just a few weeks left and its gone. Makes you think about all the fun times that you had, all the friends that's come and gone, all the hardships, all the trials, and all the things that you wish that you had done. Man, when I think about this year i think about the fire and passion I once had.  I want it back. I want to pursue God like never before. I wish I had the discipline to keep the fire burning.  Yeah that would be nice. One thing I do have is a pure heart. That's one thing that no one can take from me. No matter what it is, I have the best intentions in mind. When I say something, I mean it. You can count on that. My motives are pure too. I absolutely mean everything I say. I have no hidden agendas. Everything I do is not for personal gain but for God's glory. If I can't do it with the right mindset then I won't do it at all. I thank God for ingraining this into me from birth. It's such a wonderful gift that I will never overlook.  I just thought i'd let whoever reads this know that you can trust me.  Well this definitely has been a year of blessings. New guitar stuff, new car, new everything... this stuff doesn't make me happy but it does ease the pain a little. I love my new car.  My dad just blessed me with it. It's so amazing. It's a Mach 1. So awesome. Ha I even found a piece of my childhood when I purchased a DS. Got Pokemon Platinum, been playing that. So awesome. And for Christmas I'm getting a xbox 360. So awesome. I figured my last blog entries have been very dark and sad, so I had to right about my blessings and what is going good in my life. I'm not materialistic but hey, if God is willing to give, I'm willing to receive it. I saw a guy on tv and people where calling him the secret santa, and what he would do was he would go and give out $100 bills with a card that said merry christmas to random people. Homeless people, sick people, and just about anyone.  That blessed me so much just watching the reactions of these people.  He gave some money to this homeless guy and he just started crying and gave the guy a huge hug... he couldn't stop crying. Why cant Christians be this way... that's the real Jesus.  I'm sure that guy had a family to buy for and feed but he gave thousands of dollars away to the needy.  Money isn't everything but you can't make it through life without it. Man, I wish I had money to give like that.  It was the most awesome thing I've ever seen.  It's Christmas time, it might snow Christmas morning. That's pretty awesome. Christmas brings a little happiness back.  Maybe this can jumpstart my spiritual growth since it's kinda been like a dead battery here lately

Oh man where to start

Life's been cruel yet easygoing for the last few weeks. Ive lost touch with everything. I wish I could remember a time when I didn't know truth so that I could look back and appreciate the truth that I know now... but that's not gonna happen. I was never allowed to choose truth on my own. It's been ingrained in me since I've been a child.  Wow, if I could only appreciate truth for what it is.  Why does life hurt? Is it me? Am I too emotional? Why do people feel the need to make me feel inferior?...worthless?  This is why I need to appreciate truth. It's so bland to me right now... I can't hold my emotions back. Even the small things take me away and imprison me in theie cold lifeless grip.  Too run away and find shelter seems the only logical answer but the only catch is... I know no shelter.  I'm running away from my only shelter. Truth. But it just doesn't feel like home anymore. Life is tough, it hurts.  People tell me to suck it up and that life isn't always fair. Well why can't it be? Why do I have to fight to keep my sanity and struggle to feel loved.  I need something real... beyond truth because truth isn't real to me... or so it seems. I keep saying I'll find a way out of these doldrums but it hasn't happened yet. I see the light as if I'm riding a roller coaster and then it just drops me.  I'm not happy by any means. People tell me to put it in God's hands but I don't know how to do that. I use too. Where have those times gone. Where have the teachings and sermons gone,... the awesome and powerful times of worship... all fail me... because I cant get a grip on reality.  My reality is a place where love flow effortlessly.  I wish I could live there. Nothing but peace.  I need You to step in Papa... take the voices away and let me hear You

Life?

I don't know much about philosophy, and I sure don't know much about theology either.  It's amazing to look at where belief systems come from. Many of the polytheistic religions always seem to have a main "good" character or god in which morality is based off of and an inherently "bad" character.  They just can't seem to wrap their minds around one god controlling and overseeing the aspects of life in the physical and spiritual. Water gods, earth gods, fire gods,...etc.  It's amazing because all these things where set in motion by "one" being. There is no science only Yahweh. These many smaller gods represent the fundamentals of nature in which our Father set in motion years ago, and He still has his hands in the process. We don't serve an overseer, but rather a servant whose hands are actively engaged in our everyday lives.  Even in the depressed/complacent state I'm in, I can't help but sit back and wonder "why?" and "he actually cares about me?" I just can't fathom a being such as Him getting on His knees and doing the dirty work for us. If you think about it, that's exactly what He's doing.  Laying the groundwork for our every step.  I sit back in awe almost.  Certainly a puzzled set of thoughts that rambles through my mind.  But this is the God who's son Jesus is madly in love with us and cares for us so much that He is actively engaged in our lives... wow... and yet with these revelations and truths, I still fail.  I still give into temptation.  I sit and beg for forgiveness because I'm afraid that He's is gonna punish me in some way... I'm tired of this old world mindset. I'm tired of living this life in the spirit of laziness which consumes me.  I sit back and wonder when are things gonna get better... Things will get better when I get up and grab Jesus' hand. The groundwork and path is there, I just have to make the move... Its like this with anything in life.  Finding a job, losing weight( it's not a mental defect, people...come on! I eat because I'm sad...Well get up and do something that makes you happy rather than just eating!!!), school work( I'm a 4th year junior...), etc.  Just making better choices is all it is.  I need to do that and bad. I'm starting to think about my friends a lot.  I've got some good one's. They always encourage me.  Makes life so much more bearable.  I wish I could spend more time with them. But something always comes up.  Life gets in the way.  The times we've shared I'll never forget, even the bad one's. I wish I could express the loyalty I truly feel to all of you. I hope that I could at least receive some of that in return.  Forget reality and live in your own actuality... Live and love and be loved.  Love even the poor, love the sick, love the people that make you sick... man I need to work on these.  I need to work on my relationship with my creator and lover. Papa, Yahweh, Jesus... I stand in awe and still don't know how to connect with you. I gaze and wait for something to happen but it hasn't yet. Where are you in this world. I see your shadow and your footprint but I can't find You, the real You.  Is it me? My fault? Am I in the way? Your children see You in me but I never see You for who You really are.  I'm blind to your ways; please take the scales away.... I've never needed a touch more than I do now... please at least send an angel my way...    

The times have changed

I once sought an outlet for thoughts that I had in my head.  I never seemed to find one that I was quite comfortable with.  I've never been able to get close enough to anyone to let my guard completely down and expose my inner most feelings... Yet I still have friends that I'm extremely close to and enjoy living life right along side them but I cant seem to get close enough to them...something keeps pushing me away. No outlet for my emotion, my grief... I wouldn't want them to bear that...  So I find myself here... posting on a blog and whining like some emo kid that's sitting in a corner all alone pretending to cut himself.  The one thing those kids have on the norms of the living is an outlet, no matter how dark it is, they seem to take comfort in expression.  I guess what I have to say is my pride,... it keeps me away from my friends...my family.... and my faith.  I can't find the way out other than to completely lay aside "myself" and and let it all out. To be vulnerable is to be loved is what seems to ring in my head... I heard that on an Frozen Ocean album once. But to be vulnerable is to be hurt, to be layed open for everyone to take of you.  I guess I don't have much faith in the living anymore. Its hard to have faith in something that I can't see, but all I know is the Jesus loves me and that's what keeps me alive. I guess I have some faith...  I wish I had the faith to step out into His arms and just cry...openly for everyone to see. I want everyone to know that I've changed and that I'm not the same person as before, but it all comes back to my pride,...my curse... I talk to all my friends and they have that encouraging tone to their voice and it comforts me, makes me feel...alive. I wish I could lay myself aside and recieve what Jesus has for me. I pray that my eyes will be open and my ears to be open to what I need to do to deal with this.  Pride is a curse... It never fails to steal what little joy I have.  I hope whoever reads this will pray and continue to pray for me.  Jesus' rode to the grave wasn't easy so why should mine be.  We all struggle and we all fail... I take comfort in that too.  Because I know that there is a God in heaven that loves us through our failures and take our burdens and makes them light... I guess I'm gonna have to let Jesus love me through this.  It's getting cold outside now... means more time spent indoors which also means more time alone with God. I hope to take advantage of it. I guess I'm doing this for attention too... I like to know people want to pray for me, and notice me...and wanting to hang out with me... but life isn't about getting noticed but it's about letting Jesus shine thru you and around you. Changing the atmosphere and give life and hope to the poor, healing the sick, helping the one's in need. Death to Life seems to be Jesus' legacy. Jesus help me to bring the dead things to life. 
Hope
Love
Humility
Servanthood....
I want those to be my trademarks.